Response and what happens

Plants react slowly to stimuli. It was a fact I learnt in biology lessons when I was 14. Living organisms are different they respond quickly to stimuli. A theory that has been challenged especially over the past few weeks. Trying get someone to respond to concerns that I have had have been extremely slow and difficult. 

Somehow after an event we end up with "an enquiry" what could we have learned from that experience and situation. 

When I reach out for someone for help. I express an emotion hoping a human being will respond. If I am bleeding I will provide a plaster; if I am crying I will give you a tissue to wipe your tears. It's about responding to another as a human being at someone else's times of crisis and need. 

A lot of the time I see a "mopping up" sort of response; rather than being a force for good and caring for someone we are simply there to clean up the aftermath of the situation. Look at the news and we see such things around us.

"We were sorry that this happened..." "We apologise for not responding sooner..." "In hindsight we should have taken action before this occurred..."

It's all been about enquiries and what we really should have done in the first place.

I have been talking to a person who I know through twitter and we have talking about motivation. I have explained that we all do things through what motivate us as a human being. If we are hungry we will instinctively seek out food if we are cold we will seek shelter to keep ourselves warm.

The same is true for relationships. If I care about someone I will ask them how they are doing I will be concerned for their well being. If we have a sexual intention this will enhance our motivation to speak to them more willingly and we will sometimes without our knowing be more persistent in seeking reassurance.

I have know so many who have trampled over myself to get to what they perceive to be a rung on the ladder of success. Others have used and cast aside knowing that they have got from me what they wanted and I have been a spent commodity.

Knowledge comes from deciding those who are genuine from those who are in it for a selfish motivation. It's a very difficult thing to distinguish.

I am still learning.

Decisions

There are decisions in life that you have to make. There are no getting away from them. Being responsible means having to make this decisions and seeing them through. You take the consequences of these choices as a part of life. If you make the wrong ones and you learn from them.

The person who isn't responsible and immature would shy away from making decisions and uncomfortable conversations. I have had to make many decisions in my life but sometimes the experience doesn't make things easier. 

Life presents is with crossroads. You have to make the choice. Are you going to go one way or another? We all strive in our own minds to make the right choice but sometimes they can be wrong. Some are made out of selfish gain and profiteering. But what is right and ethical for me will always win when and argument needs to be settled.

Truth and honesty and above all integrity will prevail in life. There are too many people who are out there who will say to themselves "What is in it for me?" This will never prosper. 

You read about each day people, celebrities and politicians feeding their own greed with self-satisfaction. Too many times we have heard of the story of the pensioner that no one really took notice of and who died alone without anyone bothering about their welfare. 

It took the sharp intuition of an off-duty policeman to spot a wanted man who was on the run as a suspected murderer to make a decision in apprehending a person who was extremely dangerous. How many ordinary people had passed that person and never really given it a second thought even though he had his picture all over the news and media?

Making those small decisions. Saying thank you. Or allowing someone more deserving than you to take a seat on the bus. Little things. But these all mount to make a better society.

Who are you in it for? You or me?

I have nothing

Waldridge Fell

Gibside Chapel

Unipolar Depression

Trying to find a definition of the disorder has been something which I have tried to pinpoint, put my finger on and whole-heartedly express. The van Gogh painting above "At Eternity's Gate" expresses his deep depression of which he never recovered as two months after he completed the painting he took his own life.

I don't suffer from a condition called 'bi-polar' which is bandied about in celebrity circles as almost seemed a necessity or symptomatic of a celebrity 'lifestyle' but what is described as unipolar as I do not endure the highs or 'mania' that bi-polar people experience.

What I do suffer from is deep insecurity and low self-esteem which effects my sleep, mood, eating habits and overall health. It's not about making excuses for being lazy or not being able to shake off a bad mood. It is an illness.

I suffer from panic attacks night and day. Waking in a cold sweat about something which may seem insignificant to another person but to myself it is the entire world and it's existence before me.

I find peoples reaction to this on the whole good but it is the small percentage which have no realisation or any apparent empathy difficult to manage.

Cutting and judgemental remarks leave scars deeper than a physical wound to someone who suffers from an illness such as depression.

Some people continue for years, decades and their entire life without trying to resolve and manage their illness. I have been trying for a number of years to understand the unipolar depression and come to terms with it devastating effects. I have to understand something before I can control it.

Opinions

Opinions are brilliant. Whether it is what we think about the latest music or football team should have played better etc. Opinions are the things that make us humans. I cannot imagine anything in the animal world expressing an opinion on something. The giraffe complementing the food that is before it or the tortoise expressing satisfaction at bedding that will allow it to undertake a long hibernation over the winter period. As humans, opinion divides us from the animals and makes us unique in the world. 

Over the past  few weeks, if you have been following the news you will have no doubt been reading about the attempted deportation of Abu Qatada and the trial of Anders Breivik. There have been many reports about both men accused of terrible crimes and atrocities of which normal human beings cannot comprehend. 

These two men hold opinions. They are both trying to convey their convictions about the world and the problems that they believe are causing disruption and conflict. One is trying radicalise and the other is... That's it. The other is doing exactly the same thing. Both of the men are the same. They are both the extreme ends of a scale and neither can see or comprehend normality. 

I have had many conversations with muslims who want to live a peaceful life under the name of Islam and those who want to live peacefully under the name of their religion. Problems do arise when the conflict between each of these sides causes conflict, disagreement, fights, war and the dreadful atrocities of mass-killing. 

Your opinion and my opinion is valid. Whether it be that a religion is correct and true but when it starts impacting on others that's when religion stops being a force for good. 

I would like to tell you about my religious opinion. 

Did I ask for it? 

No.

Then in reality you shouldn't be expressing it. I would never force someone else to believe my religious conviction. 

My religious opinion is thus; but does that allow me to tell someone else that their way of living under law is not valid. No it does not. I would never force my opinions on someone else but I would respect that religious belief that which you have been convicted of. 

Girls Gone Wild

Finchale Priory

Belsay Hall

Beamish Museum

In times of trouble

When I was growing up as a teenager like many I had struggles and decisions that seemed to be monumentous at the time but in hindsight seem less of a priority when I am moving into middle age. I struggled with accepting and being accepted of who I was back in the 80's. It was a difficult time not only trying to find myself as a teenager but who I was as a sexual being. 

People around me didn't help at all. Being caught up in an organisation which was and is still not accepting 'my lifestyle' left me confused and sometimes bewildered. 

Support for me wasn't in abundance. Certainly not from my family of which I felt extremely isolated and unloved. I needed direction and guidance. It was a time for searching and for a meaning. I needed to know who were the people were in my life and who actually cared. It was only until I met a handful of people who I now genuinely call my true friends. People who I have know for over twenty years. People who have endured and experienced with me certain adversities. 

Basically what I am trying to say "When the shit hits the fan are those people going to be there with you?"

There have been the fair-weather friends. The ones who will last for a few months and the minute that something seems to be unsettling they are gone. Never to be seen again. Believe me I know there have been A LOT of people like this. 

But who are the people who have been the ones who I can rely on? The ones I know I can turn to? I know who these people are. I love them more than a brother. They are the ones who should be praised and given recognition. I love them more than they will ever know. That I am a grateful for. 

It hasn't been easy and your life isn't a perfect time all the time where everything is a laugh. Things go wrong and you pick yourself up and move on. I know I have.

Social Networking

Sometimes I utterly despise social networking. Twitter, Facebook and YouTube are the main offenders. I don't hate what they actually stand for but what they actually do to the people who are controlling them. That means people like me and you; social networking is a magnification of who we really are. I don't mean that whatever we say and do is taken out of context but it gives us the means to be heard on a larger scale more than our usual circle of friends or acquaintances.

Social networking can always be used for good or bad there is no denying that at all. It has been recently shown that those who have sent racist tweets, messages or trolling, as it is now known, have shown a darker and more sinister side to networks. This has already been prevalent in society and unfortunately will always have some sort place in networking due to the percentage small-minded and idiocy of people. 

What I do find we have missed out on is the downright banal and weird. Those who attention seek by placing statuses that leave us perplexed or simply scratching our heads. 

I followed someone on Twitter (who I had some various dealings with for a number of months) and found his tweets often garbled and incomprehensible. I will give you an example of how the tweet was composed but not a copy of the tweet as I wish the person to remain anonymous.

"Forsaken they will be."

That's it. That's the tweet. I looked at it and read it again and again. I even tried to google it a few times just to see what I might be able to come up or even crack this 'enigma type' code. But nothing. Zilch. Zero.

Why do people put up these tweets? They mean nothing. Like someone coughing into a hurricane it makes no difference. Your tweet means nothing to me. Oh Vienna.

Then I get on to the 'attention-seeking' updates. These mainly fall into to the Facebook category. Again an example that I have made up rather than a literal copy. 

"He never took any time to speak to me..."

It leaves us hanging like a man on a one-man bungee jump. Why didn't the person take time? Who was it? Why are you telling this without any perfect rational explanation???

I have asked people if they are okay or do they need to talk. Perhaps they would like to meet for a coffee to chat things over. No. They don't want to indulge their little annoying-attention-seeking foibles on myself.

Until the next time. 

Chester-le-Street Cemetry Ropery Lane

Titanic 3D

With feeling completely under the weather for the past week people might think it would have been ill-advised to go and see this film. I was extremely nervous. I don't do the cinema. I feel claustrophobic. The only way I would sit and watch a film is if I knew that I was at the end of a row and I could escape if the need was to arise. 


I have only seen one another 3D film and it didn't really work for me and I hadn't seen anything in IMAX 3D either. I had to ask someone what it actually meant before I saw the film and no didn't think it was another Apple product before you ask. 


So was the film any good? Yes. You can tell that it wasn't shot in 3D originally but that doesn't take away the edge and experience that 3D actually gives. Terrified of heights I had to cling to my chair a couple of times (like that would stop the cessation of falling and plummeting to your death) What did impress me was the film was totally remastered. It was clean and more vibrant and places and I noticed things and people that I hadn't seen before. 


Just at the end when we see old Rose about to return the 'Heart of the Ocean' to where it rightfully belongs I heard someone in the cinema say the word 'stupid'. For me this brought back an old debate I had with people about whether Rose should drop it back into the ocean or spend the millions she would gain by selling the diamond. If you needed to even contemplate this argument you didn't get the point of the film in the first place. 


When Rose is floating on the piece of door after the ship had sank she promised that 'she'll never let go' (cue the jokes about letting go of Jack's hand) but she didn't mean it physically. Rose said that she will never let go of the promise that she will grow old, have children and do all the things they both promised each other when the first met.


Do I think it was a good idea to watch this film at this time for me? Yes. Only life is precious. We see treasures in the wrong place. What was happening today could totally change the next. We should remember that life is a gift and we shouldn't waste it and we should 'make each day count.'

Alignment

Alignment. If someone can tell me how to change the spacing on the blog post "Maundy Thursday" it would be appreciated. It is annoying me.

Dedicated to Anthony Harrison

Maundy Thursday

So we are coming to the part in Holy Week when we remember the time when Jesus washed the disciples feet and celebrated Passover. A time when the Jewish people remembered when they were liberated from slavery.

Jesus certainly had mixed emotions at this time as he was having worries and doubts whether what he was going to do was right for him. Matthew 26:39 explains that 'the cup' and the sacrifice that he was going to make could have possibly have been passed. But when the final decision had been made it was God's will that Jesus had to take.

It was an amazing courage and bravery that Jesus made on this part. To blindly partake of what someone else had planned for him was the ultimate trust.

I cannot imagine that trust put into practice. I fear death and have a daily struggle to comprehend what it might entail. Millions of people have been born and it is the only certainty that we will all die. Something which I know is going to happen yet I have fear. For Christians death is it not the end as their faith translates that they will live in the internal presence of God.

Putting your trust in something that cannot be seen is extraordinary. I have a morbid fear of heights but would NEVER take the perspex walk of faith of Blackpool Tower where people are encouraged to walk across a clear void hundreds of feet into the air.

For the Easter story it is a reminder of the leap into the darkness and a blind walk of faith. I know over the past few days I have let myself wander and think that the future could or seems to be myself to be extremely hazardous. I hope I can continue with strength into this journey.

I really wanted to

I decided yesterday that I wanted to go out an spend a few hours walking and trying to relax. Although others might think that the job I do is easy I do find a majority of the time finding it very difficult to relax and take some time out for myself.

I was about an hour into a walk around Durham and I knew that something was wrong. My mind was wondering about worries I had been having over the past week and I couldn't let them go. Once I have something into my head that a bad thing is going to happen then I cannot stop the negative thoughts spiralling out of control. The depressive thoughts that have had a hold on me for so long got the better of me.

I ended up at my GP looking for help and guidance. Something I have had to rely on over the past few years. I am not ashamed to say that I have a mental health problem and whatever label that might be I am sure that you will be able to decide.

I feel drained as 'keeping it together' so to speak has taken so much out of me. I am hoping to get some sort of respite from this torment and through medication and support I am sure that I will be able to through this period. It is just the unhelpful and the harmful that cause as relapse. I am hoping to avoid this with renewed energy.

Reflection on Holy Week

Today is Palm Sunday. A day commemorating the arrival of Jesus in to Jerusalem. Jesus was visiting the city to celebrate Passover. During his triumphant arrival people shouted praise for him and lay palm branches in his path symbolising triumph and victory. The gospels also describe people putting their garments in the way for Jesus to process over, quite a powerful image of respect and honour for him.

It is an amazing image of man to being revered and honoured. Only days later people are baying for his blood. But how were people's minds changed so quickly? Underhand plotting by the religious hierarchy to get rid of Jesus was one way and the Roman's were pretty fed up of Jesus going around stirring trouble. An antiestablishment protest had to be quashed and quickly.

I find it fascinating that the people turned against Jesus so quickly. The theme of hypocrisy and dwindling commitment seems to override any triumphant feeling that was to mark the last week of Jesus' life.

Holy Week for me also means reflection. I hold no religion now. But remnants of times past still make me ponder life and take stock of situation. What we once held dear seems a distant memory and people have turned there back on such things. It doesn'y stop myself reflecting and using an historical events to ponder such things.

When the tough things in life are thrown at us are we really prepared to stick by someone thick and thin? Are we committed enough not only to say 'I love you' but put those words into meaning? It is easy to walk away from things and think that giving up on someone is the right thing to do. Or will some of us be fickle and throw in the towel?